The Multi-faceted Threat to Economic Productivity

There's a bigger threat than Donald Trump to the state of the global economy.

Wed, 11 Jan, 12:00 AM

You wouldn’t think that the National Basketball Association (NBA) would have much of an impact on the day-to-day running of the corporate world outside of their sponsorship deals. Well, guess again. A recent report carried out by Heinzer’s shows that 2 in every 3 male business professionals know of and bet on the NBA during work hours. What was once a weekend pastime as an alternative to betting on horses, has now permeated the 9-5 ritual of many corporate employees.

An anonymous source only wanting to be identified by his username in betting ‘Winner-winner-chicken-dinner’ (WWCD), has given us an insight to what has become the norm. “Mate I can do both can’t I? I balance the books and update my spreadsheets but if you come around to my cubicle you’ll always find the live scores up and running. On Fridays, when the boss goes for his corporate lunches, we crack open the NBA league pass for that extra kick. Yeah Fridays aren’t too productive on the floor”.

Many financial analysts have noticed steadily declining productivity levels among their staff and believe the humble sports multi is to blame. One analyst believes there are parallels with the devastating GFC 0f 2007-09, “In 2007 we had the lost confidence of sub-prime mortgages causing a liquidity crisis, 10 years later and a lethal combination of live betting and free online sports streaming are sending us under again.

“I had to sack a junior staffer the other day. A client asked him to buy $50,000 worth of CBA shares, the d**kh**d ended up throwing it all on OKC at the line against GWS. Things are getting loose AF here I tell ya.”

Many executives have taken the extraordinary step to install surveillance cameras within the office areas, as well as scheduling seminars to teach their employees of the dangers that this pastime may bring. Popular live streaming websites have also been blocked from company internet networks. WWCD remained unphased, “That’s fine, I’ve got that big data pack from Telstra. I just use my phone if they get onto us. With all the bets I win it basically pays itself off”.

Customers of the major banks have been urged to withdraw all their funds and hide them under as many floorboards, mattresses or ceiling panels as humanly possible – the humble multi could well spark GFC 2.0!

Written by Nik Hatzi

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