A Lazy Man's Review of the Rio Olympics

Didn't catch every minute of Rio 2016? Get up to speed with our Lazy Man's Review and impress your mates with your knowledge!

Mon, 22 Aug, 12:29 PM
Well what an Olympic Games it has been! The critics will probably have the last laugh with a combination of green pools, falling spider cams and sex scandals making Rio 2016 a truly unforgettable event.


Usain Bolted his way into the record books by recording the first ever Triple Triple (winning gold in the 100m, 200m and 4x100m at 3 consecutive Olympics). Phelps made us all question whether he was in fact part fish, merman or a spawn of Poseidon - or all of the above. Miss Simone Biles flipped her way into our living rooms where people would watch her routines, sit back and say “F**k me, how’d she do that?”


Some athletes, such as Ryan Lochte, took some shine away from the games. Fibbing that he was held up and robbed when in fact he was caught by CCTV vandalizing a service station’s restroom and detained by an on duty security officer.

Brazil had to contend with a number of dramas – mainly the safety of athletes.

It would seem a daily occurrence that an athlete was mugged or threatened on the streets of Rio. It got so bad that athletes were ordered to take a private vehicle if they were travelling more than 400m from their accommodation.

Anyone notice the lack of Russians in the Track and Field events? Probably because they were banned for doping. That or Putin needed a hand preparing for another invasion. Could be either really.


One shining light that the games bought was the Brazilian national team who won the football (soccer) gold medal. I know for a fact half the country would have sold their grandmothers for that to happen – that’s how much it means to them.

Brazil also ended up nabbing the highly respected (not as good as the women’s) men’s beach volleyball gold medal.


Well we all knew the stars and stripes would be top of the leader board. The USA ended up finishing with 46 gold medals. But who would’ve guessed the bloody Brits were going to sneak up and pull China’s pants down to get into 2nd place overall. Great Britain ended up with 27 Gold medals, closely followed by China with 26.

The top 10 was closed out by Russia (19 – shot themselves in the foot with the doping scandal), Germany (17), Japan (12), France (10), South Korea (9 – you just know Kim Jong-un will be jealous!), Italy (8) and a rather underwhelming campaign for our Aussie athletes who rounded out the top 10 with 8 gold medals.


We need to give a huge shout out great performances by some of our very own.

First of all, the Australian women’s rugby 7’s team. Dominated the competition, beat the Kiwis and secured gold. Tip top effort ladies.

No medal, but exceeding expectations nonetheless, was our Women’s beach volleyball team of Louise Bawden and Taliqua Clancy. The ladies really put themselves on the map with some strong performances and will be ones to look out for in the future. That, and the fact we all want another reason to watch beach volleyball!

Chloe Esposito. What a little legend. Still haven’t quite figured out why beach volleyball isn’t in a modern pentathlon (Because the more beach volleyball the better) but she dominated the field nonetheless! Her Brother Max is another Modern pentathlete to keep an eye on at Tokyo.

Kim Brennan you go girl! Kimmy terrorized the regatta with her performances in the rowing and got herself a gold medal in the process.

Sailors. Our Sailors did very well nabbing a gold and 3 silver medals. Tom Burton, Jason Waterhouse and Lisa Darmanin were key contributors.

Mack Horton and Kyle Chalmers – take a bow lads. These two were a beacon of light amongst a rather poor performance by our national swimming team.


Next stop Tokyo! To the land of sushi, Fuji and Kawasaki we go. The Japanese have always been a progressive nation and I’m expecting big things from the land of the rising sun. I’ve already heard they’re thinking of introducing driverless taxi’s in time for the games. That will be a big ‘WOW’ factor if they manage to pull it off.

Good luck to the Japanese and hopefully they can improve on what was a memorable and eventful 2016 Rio Olympic games.

Nik Hatzi

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