Trumps Triumph

It's happened! Donald Trump has been handed the keys to the White House.

Tue, 8 Nov, 12:00 AM
In what is being dubbed the biggest robbery since Richie chose Alex over Niki in the Aussie Bachelor, Donald Trump looks set to steal the presidency of the United States of America from right under Hilary Clinton’s nose.

Polling stations all over the US had tipped Clinton to win in an unprecedented landslide. Logic thought this sound, as Trump had recently written the book on how to publicly convey a clear disrespect and disregard for women and their rights titled ‘Grab her by the pussy’. Many thought Trump’s book would cause an unnecessary distraction to the voting. However, the book served as a conductor for these votes, drawing many dim-witted Americans to vote for him when the time came. The book contains a number of various chapters each highlighting different tactics on portraying a divisive disrespect and outright shameful approach to being in the company of woman. Some of the more notorious chapters include ‘How to put that 10yr old on lay-by’ and the more self-explanatory ‘how to get away with sexual assault’.

Oddschecker’s very own political correspondent Adam Schubert stationed in the much maligned state of Florida (voted for Trump) has a revealing take on the progress of the result of the presidential election. “Donald Trump’s outrageous comments regarding Mexicans being immigrant rapists have seemingly not hurt his position at the polls. The Trumpster -as he would now prefer to be known- claimed to want to build a wall between Mexico and the USA to rival the great wall of Westeros. When experts in the fields of quantum surveying and construction attempted to explain to Trump that the wall was a fictional depiction by George RR Martin, Trump had them banished to Alaska. Trump has further gone on to make lewd comments aimed at females and showed a blatant lack of disregard for so many individuals during his campaign trail. Makes you think what is going through the minds of the populous during such a pivotal point in the nations history”.

This shocking and unexpected result is said to have larger political ramifications than when Cerci Lannister blew up the Great Sept of Baelor, causing her son, King Tommen to commit suicide. A dark day in the history of Westeros is now matched by an equally dark day in the history of the USA and potentially the world in general.

As unfathomable as this result has proven to be, there is one glittery piece of positivity to be found in the silver lining of these events. That is, that the old adage of ‘Have a go son, you never know what you can achieve, experience is overrated’ is well as truly alive. Reports have claimed that Kanye West’s 2020 presidential election campaign has been reborn in the wake of the “anything is possible” Donald Trump triumph.

Nik Hatzi

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